Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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