Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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