i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
