PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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