you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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