Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
