party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
