She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
