Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
