I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
