It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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