Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
