we have officially lost it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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