So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
