You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
