Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We are two peas in an std pod
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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