I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
