Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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