Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
nutella sex= disaster
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
