her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
