I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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