Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
