So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize