Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
