i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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