R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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