it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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