dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
