I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
