whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
