i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize