I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
