You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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