I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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