I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
