I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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