it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
