watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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