So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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