Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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