I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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