In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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