Your dad touched me again.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
