I must be too annoying 4 u.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I currently don't understand fingers.
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