im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
where are my eyebrows?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
