I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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