im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize