I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
