it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
