so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
