I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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