This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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