I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize