Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i can't believe i had my finger in that
if only i could text you this smell
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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