Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
