At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
