If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
