you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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