Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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