In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
pop tarts are not kleenex
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize