I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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