imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
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