R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
