You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
