I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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