I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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