the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
