WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
